Courage Blossoms

“Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.” - Alice M. Swain

I heard that quote a little while ago. I was typing away and it was said on the TV which was (as always) blaring in the background. It's the most perfect quote. It reminds me of being in China - My Chinese name is Shau Huaa. I think I spelt that wrong, but it means 'little flower'. It sums up a few things going on in my life at the moment. There's some really really big projects, and some very exciting things.

But it's a lot. And it's scary.

I'm taking on a huge amount, and everything is going very well indeed. But it's overwhelming sometimes. Not because it's not fun and there's too much going on, but because sometimes I expect Domestic Sluttery to fall down around my ears. Is it professional to admit that sometimes I'm terrified of the increasing popularity of my own website? Maybe not, but it's something that I never take for granted. Even if sometimes it does scare the berjeezers out of me.

It's the girls that stop me from going mad. If things are shit, they're the ones that pull me together. And things are sometimes shit. But no one ever sees that. I'm tough and I mostly hide things, but if one of asks me if I'm OK and I'm not, I usually cry. It's not often people get that out of me.

There's nothing tough about hiding how scared you are of something. I'm learning that. But I'm only 26 (well, for the next 9 days anyway) and I worry about how much I take on. I'm not really a grown-up yet. I worry that I'll juggle too many things and everything will drop to the floor and smash into little pieces. Then I worry that I'll be bankrupt and have to move back in with my parents. I worry that I'm just not strong enough to get everything I dream of.

And then I pull myself together. I read a funny email from one of the girls, or update them with something cool that's happening behind the scenes. I get an email from a reader saying that they like the site, and things seem less scary. It seems like just for that moment, I'm juggling everything just fine.

But that doesn't mean I'm not scared of everything falling apart. I might be courageous sometimes, but I'm really not as tough as people think. It's OK to admit that sometimes.

Flickr image from Nelgdev's photostream.