Stop with the passive aggression. You know who you are.

Writing a post about passive aggression is tough. Because it's very hard to do it without sounding passive aggressive. Hopefully I can keep this post as general as possible but I think that's unlikely. It's not an attack though, I'm a bit past all that. I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now. It's tough to write about this topic but I'm just so sick of reading passive aggressive tweets and blog posts and Facebook status' that I feel it's worth the post. That said, I'm totally guilty of it myself.

A few years ago when I was a blogging newbie, I wrote a blog post on my personal blog about a company I thought would go under. I was actually talking about the company who had "let me go" and they did indeed go under (although that doesn't mean my post was valid, it made me look immature and unprofessional). But because of my cloaks and daggers cryptic writing, my best friend, Cate, thought I was writing about her company, Insider London. Which is incidentally doing very well and I wouldn't expect anything less. She's amazing.

I'm not in the habit of writing bitchy blog posts about my best friend, or ever telling my friend there's something wrong with her business (unless she asked and I was being constructive). But the very nature of passive aggression means that you automatically think that something is about you. And it has one of two reactions. You either spend all day thinking you've done something wrong, or you ask the person if something is up. I didn't see Cate for a couple of weeks after I wrote that blog post and she was really sad until we talked about it. I'd inadvertently hurt one of the people I care about most in the world. Here's a little tweet example:

CateTrotter: @Sianysianysiany what's wrong? Why so blue?

Sianysianysiany: @Catetrotter I'm just really annoyed with a certain someone who should know better.

(This tweet was created for entertainment purposes, like they do on The Hills.)

But you see my point? I breathe a sigh of relief and then everyone else is still in the dark. Passive aggression is quite simply attention seeking. It creates drama. The people involved probably know who you're talking about, and the situation is heightened. It carries on way past the point it should. Everyone else is curious as to who you're banging on about, and they either decide in their head it's about someone else, or think that they've done something wrong when they probably haven't. The only person who gets anything out of this is the person being passive aggressive. Sadly, it seems to be the drama and attention that keeps them going.

That blog post doesn't work either. It's just as bad. Worse, even. Because not only does your blog post make you look immature, your writing looks confused. If you're not writing clearly, because you're being all cryptic, you're going to end up with reams of blind rants. No one wants to read that. It's silly and pointless.

We can hide behind the internet. And we do. We leave anonymous comments (by all means do), we write for blogs under another name (and then come out of the dark when it suits us). We control an awful lot of what people see. Why on earth do we want to turn people's perception of us into a bitchy little six year old?

I'm not saying I'm never passive aggressive. That would be utter bollocks. But I think it's something I'm more aware of. Ranting on my blog isn't something I do very much. There are better platforms for ranting. That platform usually involved a bottle of wine and a friend. Or even a cup of tea and a Skype chat. Most of the time, once you've cooled off things aren't nearly as bad as they seem. If you don't want to talk things out with someone, then shut up about it. If it's something that doesn't warrant other people being involved, then leave it alone. If you know nothing but bad feeling can come from what you're saying, then why do it? Leave the drama behind. Have a conversation offline. Don't air your dirty laundry in public. And don't pretend you're not doing just that.

Just because we can hide online, doesn't necessarily mean that we should. The best blogs I read are open, personal and honest. But that doesn't mean they're cruel. It doesn't mean that they openly bitch either. Because there's a time and a place. Just like passive aggression, using your blog to attack someone is unfair. Because then it becomes a game. Waiting for the other person to respond, seeing what will happen next. Working out your next move.

But it's only a game if two people play. People can only be passive aggressive and attack you online if you want to play along. Doing it under the guise of "being honest" is akin to saying to a friend "I'm sorry but..." when you're anything but sorry. There's nothing honest about your motives, even if there's some truth in what you're saying. So if this is the game people are going to play online, I'm choosing not to play along. Instead, I'm going to be working hard, having fun and getting on with my life. I've learned the hard way that hiding behind a laptop is a shitty way to deal with stuff. Games like that don't achieve anything.

Flickr image from Youngthousands' photostream.