It's Spring. A new season. A whole new beginning apparently. I've been single for over a year now. Save for a brief fling over summer. But a whole year is a very long time to be single. Especially when the first wedding invite of the year lands on your doorstep. But here's the thing that most people don't realise: Most of the time, I don't mind being single.
It's not just that I don't mind being single, I'm willing to stay single until I find someone who makes my heart do a back flip. Someone who gives me The Butterflies. I don't think they're a myth, or something that only happens in films. They're real. And I just won't settle for anything else. Why would I?
But sometimes being single is pretty shit. I'm not always happy about it. Staying in and being hidey over the weekend is rather less fun if there's no-one else to play with. And y'know, it's been a while since I got laid. Cooking for one is sometimes really rather dull. Especially if I'm playing about in the kitchen and making yummy things. It's nice to have someone to share things with. Whether that's sex, or cooking, or the latest chapter of my novel. It's all sharing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get lonely sometimes. Really damn lonely actually.
But, I'm only 27. And I'm only just in a place since my last relationship where I think I could let someone in. Most people will tell you that I'm a pretty closed person when it comes to my heart. That's not to say that in the last year no one has seen me open up, but if they have, it's for a pretty short time before I snap shut again. I've got used to protecting myself and it shocks me when I let my guard down. Last year I put my heart on the line for someone who didn't love me; it's going to take a lot for me to do that again. But at some point, I will. I don't know when. I think this last year has given me the time to trust myself.
Not knowing when is exciting. I've tried relationships without The Butterflies, hoping they'll come fluttering along. I'm just not convinced that they work for me. I need to have that passion with someone, otherwise isn't that a bit like kissing your friends? (Although don't get me wrong, I have got drunk and accidentally done that. Ooops.) I'm pretty much an all or nothing kind of girl. If I don't get butterflies when I meet someone, it's rare that I ever do. Sometimes, though. I just don't want to spend my time loving the wrong people.
I don't have a fluffy, movie rose-tinted idea of love. But I am idealistic about it. Even the wrong type of love can be ideal. Your dream man, or perfect woman isn't perfect. They're just absolutely most definitely right for you. And there is an idealism about that. Because they're ideal because of their faults. Not in spite of. Probably because of. Often the things we don't like about ourselves are the things that attract attention from other people. Not being perfect is the ideal.
I've already had the "good on paper" relationship. Where everything is perfect and you're the pretty, happy couple who have brunch and go on weekend trips. I've had the opposite. Where everything you feel is real, but the situation is far from ideal. Both ended very differently. Both broke my heart. I want some sort of middle ground. Because everything else is just my trying to fit a lonely-shaped peg into a heart-shaped hole.
I don't want that. I want Butterflies. I want to jump every time the phone rings. Three months into a relationship, I want to still smile at a secret text message. Three years on I want to still be having damn good sex. Thirty years on, I still want to dance. I want an equal relationship where I feel supported yet independent enough to do my own thing. Because I do that a lot. I want someone how loves me for who I am, and who I can be. Someone who allows me to trust myself around them. Someone who wants my heart.
So next time someone asks me why I'm single, I might just send them a link to this post. I'm single because I'm waiting for someone I can trust with my heart. That's pretty huge. I'm waiting for someone who will give me Butterflies.
Because to me, when it comes to love, they're still the most important thing there is.
Flickr image from DanZen's photostream.
The Butterfly Effect
Posted by
Siany
Monday, 29 March 2010
12 comments:
I love this post Sian. I feel you.
Uyen xxx
Thanks Uyen! Expect my crazy cat lady update if this is still the case in thirty years :-)
Nice post - reminded me off this quote,
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder" by Henry David Thoreau. And just thank your lucky stars that you're not wasting your time in some shitty relationship ;)
Chloe
Good for you Sian. I only recently discovered that not all people take this attitude to love, and it shocked me tbh - I genuinely didn't think it was possible to settle for less than full-on butterflies and stay that way for long before admitting defeat, but apparently people do it all the time. What's the point!?
I love that quote, Chloe! So true!
Abi, I'm really surprised that people 'settle' as well. I see it happening more often now I'm getting older. Suddenly there's a rush to be with someone before you're thirty. I can't comment on every relationship, and I'm not saying that all of my loved up buddies are settling, but some people do, and it's just not for me.
Can't really argue with any of that, I think we have all settled in a way at some point like you said in the hope the butterflies will come but to me that's when you are in friend zone.
Id rather be single and mates with some cool ladies that not happy with them in a relationship!
I think you're right about everyone settling sometimes. I don't think it's deliberate a lot of the time either. You just choose to 'overlook' certain things. I'm curious about how much compromise is really settling.
Oh, I'm in the same position, and feel the same thing - I'm not giving up my singleness unless I get the butterflies. They haven't come along for a while, but I keep hoping.
Michelleeb
Come to the pub.
Heh. Worth noting that the point of this blog post was NOT because I wanted sleazy men to hit on me (or anyone for that matter). That appears to have been its affect.
Perhaps I'm single because I give rather pathetic boys more time than I should.
I loved being single and now I love being married. The Butterflies exist, they really do, one day soon they'll fly right in and take you by surprise. x
I like your honesty, Siany. I recognise a lot of truth in what you're saying. I've been single for most of my adult life and although I have dated (and loved) some truly wonderful men (all of them bearded geeks - some of the best people on earth), I think that, really, my problems lie somewhere in the fact that deep down, I don't feel that I'm worthy of love and so the battle is in here. I'm 35 and I'm starting to feel quite anxious and still, I just can't imagine settling. Why would you do that to yourself and the guy you're settling with?
Until of course we examine what settling actually is. Are we maybe settling for the romantic notion of love? I wonder about this, sometimes...
I think that it is possible to place too much emphasis on 'token romance', I think romance can come in many different forms that have nothing to do with commercial sentiments. To share your life with another person; all those messy growing pains and quiet moments of victory and still be there, at the end, is maybe the most romantic act of all. And to achieve that level of intimacy, you have to find the right person. It can't be faked.
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