The Strength of Strangers

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt.

This blog post is about many things. Capoeira, blogging, writing a novel and how people will use any kind of weakness to bring you down, if they feel that they can.

On Sunday, I was having a bit of a nightmare with The Book (you can tell I'm still having a hard time, I'm not using the title). And because I felt like I actually needed to write something, I fired off a very highly strung and teary blog post on here. It certainly wasn't the most well-thought out post I've ever written, but I needed to get something out. I needed to shout about the fact that I was sinking. I didn't particularly want a response, but I needed to shout. And people were helpful (as best they could be in the middle of my ranting anyway). I'm pretty much over my silly rant, although I'm not quite ready to face The Book again yet. Jane and Zigs made me take some time to chill, think about things some more. Realise that I don't have to do every single thing in a week. I'm very impatient sometimes.

But the book will get written. I'll get past my hurdle, I'll find my way and I'll start enjoying it again. I think know where I need to start now, I just tried at the wrong time (about three days after I finished another major writing project). I love my story, and I'll get there.

But that didn't stop someone commenting on my post saying "Of course your book will never get finished. YOU will never amount to anything." And then I realised, I'd committed the cardinal sin. I'd let people see that I have a weakness.

Y'see, we're not allowed to do that, are we? We must always always be tough! I work for myself, I kick ass a lot of the time and I like to get stuff done. The more well-known I get, the more people wait to watch me fail. I don't like to fail. I put everything I've got into the stuff I'm passionate about so if I fuck up, it's personal. But I fuck up all the time. And I'm not always tough. And I'll happily admit that.

If you think it's weak to admit that, then that's your issue, but I'm calling bullshit on it.

When you admit it to your friends, they give you hugs, talk things out, buy you beer. But other people will tap into that weakness. Even people who know you. The internet is great at forging fake relationships and flimsy friendships. Some people much prefer to make themselves feel better by bringing you down.

In the midst of angry internet crap, I started Capoeira yesterday. Most people I told about this, despite my excitement, told me how hard it was and how I wouldn't be able to do it. Here's the thing: I knew it would be tough. But I needed that. I needed something challenging. Because if it's not a challenge, I'll get bored. I'm aching all over today, but y'know what? It feels great. I can't do the kicks, my legs and arms are all over the place (in the wrong order and at the wrong time) but I don't care. It's fun. And my high kicks are higher than expected. I'm doing it. Even though people said that I couldn't.

That's the thing that strangers don't realise. When they leave snarky blog posts all over the shop, they do upset me. I'm human. Any attack is going to upset you when you're personally involved in something. But when people tell me that I can't do something, I go out of my way to show them otherwise. People attacking me, especially people that I don't know, will make me stronger. I'm stubborn sometimes and if you tell me I can't do something, I'll go right out and do it. It's not a rebellious thing. It's a deep sense of determination that I get from both of my parents. Arguing with them when I was a kid was heaps of fun.

I'm not Superwoman. When I read bitchy comments on any of the blogs I write for (many, many, many), I'll get upset. When people email me mean things, just to be mean, I might even have a bit of a cry. When someone I've barely met before tells me that I'm too girly to do a martial art, I'll mentally kick their ass. When someone I've never met before (or maybe I have, who knows?) tells me that I'll fail at something, you can bet your ass that's the last thing that will happen. Sometimes I like that people sell me short. I like to surprise people. I like proving people wrong.

If you don't know someone well enough to leave your name at the end of a blog comment, you don't know them well enough to have any lasting effect on their life. The only thing you're not doing, is living your own life. And spurring them on to do something really amazing.

Everyone has their weaknesses. Sometimes you'll be able to see what they are, if someone lets you. But there's a strength in strangers that no one can see. Underestimating that would be a little foolish, don't you think?

Flickr image from Daniel Zanini H.'s photostream.