Let's go get lost, let's go get lost...

I'm realising that there's always an option. You always have a choice. You can choose to do the right or wrong thing, you can choose whether or not you hurt someone. And I firmly believe there's a point where you can choose to fall in love. Perhaps more importantly, you can choose to live your life, and you can choose to be happy.

I forget sometimes how lucky we are to have that choice.

A staggering eight years ago today, my friend Christian died. He was 20. At his funeral, I was sandwiched between my ex-boyfriend and my best friend. The two people I loved more than anyone else in the world at the time. And I couldn't do anything to help them. I didn't just have a feeling of huge sadness that day, but a feeling of utter helplessness. In many ways, that was worse.

My best friend and I don't talk now. I wish I could remember why. Everything got so messed up when I left for uni, but I miss him. So much. I'd do anything I could to change things. I'd do anything to have my friend back. I don't know if that will ever happen. I hope so though, maybe, at some point down the line. Unfortunately, for all I've done to build bridges, that's not my choice.

This wasn't meant to be a sad blog post. I think I'm lucky, despite the fact that I do things that I'm not impressed with, and I sometimes make awful decisions. I decide what I do with my life. I can basically sit there and decide whether or not I fuck it up. Or, worse than that, whether or not I choose to do nothing with it.

You can take control of your life. You can make things better. But I guess, only if you want to. Sometimes it takes a while to do that. Sometimes it takes a while to work out what you want. Or that hurting someone isn't going to make you any happier (goodness this sounds like Oprah). I guess my point is, if you're unhappy with your life, it's very rarely someone else's fault. It's yours. And you can choose to change it.

There's something reassuring about knowing you can change things. About knowing you have a choice. I'm unbelievably sad today. But I'm lucky too. I can choose to make the most of my life. I can choose to be the best person I can be. I forget that sometimes. Christian was an awesome guy, I wish he'd had that choice. He deserved that chance.