Once upon a time, I used to be a skinny girl (I'm well aware that I'm not exactly overweight now) but I used to be about a size 8. You can see in that dancey photo how skinny I used to be. (My goodness that was such a fun night.) Until maybe two years ago, when the medication I was taking and the fact that I really like potato goodness meant that my body shape changed. Pretty drastically. I went from an 8 to a 14 in a few months. That's about 3 stone for those of you wondering.
Something like that is bound to have an effect on you. It certainly had an effect on my then boyfriend: it's one of the reasons he dumped me. I've started to realise how differently people treat you when you're slim. And how judgemental people are about skinny girls.
Not every single skinny girl has an eating disorder.
Not every skinny girl is exercise crazy.
Not every skinny girl cares about their weight.
But every slim girl I know gets people passing comment on their weight. Having been that girl, I know how horrible that can be sometimes. I remember once in a singing class being told by someone that they wouldn't do a breathing exercise with me because I was "too skinny". They were overweight. I don't understand why it's OK to say cruel things, and pass judgement on someone because of their size. Whatever that size is. But for some reason, if you're slim, you're fair game.
Today we wrote about a gorgeous dress on Domestic Sluttery that would fit a size 6-8. There was a bit of hubbub about why on earth we'd write about a dress in such a small size. How dare we! Who can possibly fit into that! Size 8 isn't even a size! Now, I'm not in the habit of bitching about our community of readers (they're actually awesome), but the response shocked me. I don't know why we think it's OK to be snarky towards girls that are smaller. I don't think it is.
Is it jealousy? Possibly. But there's something else there. Because skinny girls do it too. I've seen them. They're the skinny girls who tell others how lucky they are because they can eat what they like without having to exercise. As though if a girl doesn't work for it, they don't deserve to be skinny. And that's when it gets snarky. The lack of support women give each other about their body shape is shocking. Some of you reading this won't think it's important, but it is. Because we're told what to think about our body every single day. We don't need that from our friends. Or from complete strangers.
Women's magazines, shows like Mad Men and wonderful women like Kate Winslet mean that at the moment, we're loving the curvy women. But I don't understand why that means we have to bitch at anyone with a 25 inch waist. We're loving curves now, so we hate skinny girls? What the fuck? I'd rather like a woman for who she was (and indeed, not like some) rather than what her ass looks like in a pair of jeans. Currently though, my ass is looking pretty damn good, thanks for asking.
I'm not suggesting that every person who is slim doesn't diet. I'm well aware that some have issues with food (I've seen the reality of anorexia and it's terrifying). But food issues can be a problem for a woman or man of any size. I don't for a second think that every girl over a size 18 has a healthy attitude to food. I also don't think it's my place to tell them that.
I've spent the last two years getting used to how my body looks. Any change is difficult to get used to (so are stretch marks), but actually, it wasn't very drastic at all. I was just blinkered and didn't want to see that I wasn't looking after myself as well I as needed to. But it was my issue to deal with. And I think I have now. I'm pretty happy at the size I am now. I think it suits me, I think I look better than I have in years (yes, better than when I was a size 8). But it's down to me to decide that. You wanna tell me there's something wrong with my body shape? Just try it.
My point is that just because to you someone has a body shape to be envious of, that doesn't mean that you need to pass comment on it. I remember eating all sorts of junk at college, just to try and put on weight (no, it didn't work, I had four dance classes every week). Those girls who are petite don't deserve shit because of their size, just like someone larger doesn't deserve it. What right do we have to make anyone feel bad about how they look? I don't know a single slim girl who likes being told how thin she is.
I don't like the trend of splitting girls down the middle. If you pay attention to women's magazines (yes, Cosmo and Glamour, I'm looking at you), we're either skinny or curvy. If we're being honest, we're either bitchy or friendly. That comes in any size.
The size of it
Posted by
Siany
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Labels: body shape , cosmo , glamour is a bit rubbish , thinking , women stuff
17 comments:
Great post and very honest. For just the reasons you discuss, I once banned any discussion of weight, food=guilt, skinniness , fatness in a team I worked in. Mostly because a tiny and "skinny" woman in my team was being victimised. Constant having a go at her for eating any kind of food. She couldn't win, eating a doughnut it was, "Oh you can eat anything your so lucky, it's so unfair on the rest of us" Salad and it was eye rolling and "That's how you stay so thin". You could never have talked to someone overweight in the same way. Somehow it was supposed to be OK , cos she was "lucky" enough to be thin, so you are allowed to say anything. I've had an eating disorder , it's horrible, but the one good thing is it has made me very sensitive to other people focusing on weight - or lack of it. I don't want it to be a constant focus positive or negative. Again smart post
I am so glad someone has finally put down my exact thoughts and feelings in such a way, THANK YOU.
I have always been quite skinny, ever since I was young and everyone has felt the need to comment on that - teachers and other parents, random people I'd meet and even some family members! It used to bother me, wondering did I look weird? Did I look like I starved myself? Did I not look like other girls? Now I think it's sad I felt that way, how I let people make me feel inferior instead of taking their comments as a compliment and made me think that the way I naturally am was anything but normal.
I just find it difficult to put on weight, I must burn of calories much quicker than others through no fault of my own. I don't exercise at all (walking up the stairs at the tube station is as far as I get - really) and I don't eat particularly healthily - Dominos pizza and I are on a first name basis. Just because I am a size 8 (I don't go up and down with my weight either, it's a constant!) doesn't mean I don't eat properly or are making too much of my weight. In fact, I haven't weighed myself in years and don't intend on making it a habit. I'm all for women being the way they want to be, whatever they feel comfortable with. I'd rather that than be taking sides and thinking it's alright to decide for someone else what they should be.
Great post Sian, I wholeheartedly agree. C x
*Applause*
This whole issue is one of my personal hobby horses, and has been for a few years now, ever since the media decided that "real women" have curves and that the best way to make these "real women" feel good about themselves is by putting skinny women down. We get comments ALL the time on The Fashion Police about "freaks" and "bobble heads" and "skeletons" and all the rest of it, as if these women are less than human, and have no feelings. On the other hand I have NEVER, in the four years the site has been running, seen a "fat" comment: it just doesn't happen because while people know it's just wrong and cruel to bash people for being overweight, it's apparently absolutely fine to do it to people who aren't. I'm all for making women feel good about themselves however they look, but it really, really irks me that it can apparently only be done by putting someone's else's shape down.
Also, you're so right about how not everyone who's slim has an eating disorder. There seems to be this idea at the moment that if you're not overweight, then there's something wrong with you. About a year ago, I overheard two women in a clothes shop talking about a dress they'd picked up in a size 6. They said it was "disgusting" that clothes were even made in that size, and that it "shouldn't be allowed" because it was "glamorizing anorexia". They were both overweight, and I couldn't help but wonder how hurtful they'd have found it if I'd picked up a larger size (they were both overweight) and started commenting loudly on how "disgusting" it was for people to be that size. I'm sure people would - rightly - find that kind of comment absolutely shocking and horrible, but if the comments are directed at slim girls, well, whatever.
Sorry, I've ranted :) I keep trying not to rant about this subject, but it just annoys me SO much!
Brilliant post.
I’m not a “skinny” girl, in fact, I never will be, unfortunately, I was born with the stature of a man (ok maybe not quite that dramatic but by god my hip bones seem far apart) but I totally agree with everything you say.
I hate the way that that magazines think it’s appropriate to categorise women, especially when the real women they feature are usually models who’ve had the plumping out treatment on photoshop.
We’re all so different, some people have tiny frames, some people have big frames, sooner we get used to that, the better.
You wouldn’t walk up to a fat person on the street and go “WOW you’re REALLY, REALLY FAT…I HATE YOU” so why people do that to those who are slender and petite is beyond me.
Maybe someone should set up a campaign in the face of “real women” simply called “life you either have hips…or you don’t. Fact. “
Totally agree. It's shocking that posting about the dress got such a reaction. I can't stand body policing like that and i don't like the way that so many conversations between women revolve around weight and size. A few years back it seemed that the 'backlash' started - in addition to the fatphobia we now had journalists snarking about women smaller than size 12, saying that 'men don't like women who look like small boys' and talking about 'real women'. It only gets worse.
Bravo!
I'm not a size 8 myself, and never have been, but having slender friends who've been on the receiving end of this sort of nonsense and being firmly of the opinion that we're *all* real women thankyouverymuch, I do notice it, and I *hate* this sort of picking at others.
One thing that I do think is encouraging, though, is that I also often see it challenged - as you're doing here. Every time I see someone make a derogatory comment on the slender women/real women (can you tell I hate that phrase?) subject on a forum I frequent, I can guarantee that I'll have been beaten to it - the poster will have been called out on it multiple times before I reach the end of the thread.
I really, really hope that that's a sign that this sort of needling away at other women to make ourselves feel better is becoming less acceptable.
Thanks for all of your comments everyone! Pleased to see it's not just me who gets angry with this.
I do hope that more women challenge this. I worry sometimes that slim girls don't feel they can say anything. Like Becky mentioned, they should be happy enough with the fact they're skinny, right?
I really don't think it matters what size a girl is as long as they're healthy and happy. Not being judged by other women would go a long way in helping that. The biggest and most influential platforms in our media don't want to promote this attitude (WHY NOT?!). I hate that and think it needs to change.
I think the media are reluctant to promote such a positive attitude for a couple of reasons:
- Where would this leave the companies which advertise their weight loss products, cellulite creams, control underwear, diet fads etc with them?
- The media is obsessed with painting women as 'bitchy', 'catty' and overly competitive when it comes to looks, weight and attractiveness. Certain publications just love to get in on the act by criticizing celebrities and in general, the impression that constantly slagging off other women is perfectly normal is given off.
You're probably right about the first reason, but I don't think this blog post (or this issue) is about weight loss. I think it's about being happy in your shape, whatever that is. There will always be girls who want (or in my case need) to lose weight. I'd pay more attention to a Weight Watchers campaign against a well thought out magazine that approached body image in a healthy way.
The fact that the media is obsessed with promoting unhealthy competition between women is half the problem. The power they have can not only make a girl feel bad about their size or shape, it makes women think it's OK to pass judgement on their peers. Their reluctance to change is a major issue for me.
Yes. I'm in the process of losing weight myself at the moment, but it's not, like the media would have you believe, because I feel cripplingly appalled at my own non-perfectness and wish to become whatever that mysterious size is which is slim but not so slim that suddenly it's ok to bitch about how slim I am because I must be unhealthy and unreal.
It's because I put some on a while back, for reasons I can specifically pinpoint, and I know that I was healthier without it and want to get back into my healthier habits. I like my body as it is (though it's taken a few years to get to a place where I do), it's just not in its optimum state right now. To look at the media, though, you would think we must all either loathe or adore our bodies, though.
If women's magazines would talk more about genuinely liking your body, whatever its shape, and the forming of healthy habits (genuinely healthy ones, that is - not 'habits that will make you slim'), instead of all the '14 days to a bikini body' rubbish (because a two week plan of specific meals is clearly ever so easy and desirable to maintain for life), I might actually buy them now and again.
Definitely agree with all this Cat, what you say about the way the media promotes weight loss is so true. It's never about being healthy or living a healthier lifestyle. It's always about losing weight to fit into a smaller dress or for the beach or for the Christmas party - usually involving unhealthy and unrealistic weight loss plans.
Whilst I think weight loss is undoubtedly a part of the debate, I don't think that's the main issue. Magazines *only* talk about body image when it comes to losing weight.
The main concern for me is the way that women have turned on slimmer girls. Like there has to be a choice. That choice is perpetuated by the media with their "real women" rubbish. The obsession that the media have with women getting the perfect body drives me crazy, but outside of that, it's us that do the bitching. Women are intelligent enough to realise when they're bullying someone.
Having a positive body image, in media terms, can more or less be translated as 'being slim', and so the assumption is that losing weight is always the thing with which we're all preoccupied and the healthy thing to do.
Unless of course you take it Too Far and end up Too Skinny because now curves are Good, but only the sort of real woman curves Joan Holloway has and not the sort that might apply to different body shapes which are also real.
And because we're all bombarded by this lose-weight-to-get-a-perfect-body drivel all the time (rather than anything actually resembling a positive body image being encouraged in a variety of different shapes and sizes), we end up internalising it. It's impossible to live up to everything all at once, which breeds resentment, which gets spat out at people who look like they're closer to the ideal than we are. Wild oversimplification, but I think that's broadly what's going on.
You're right, though, Siany - what comes out of our mouths is no-one's responsibility but our own and we should absolutely take responsibility for the fact that it's us doing the bitching and challenge it when we see it.
I haven't been a size 8 since I was maybe 8 years old but I totally agree with you - I don't think any woman deservess to be picked on for how she looks and really hate this false "real woman" divide the media's intent on promoting.
I also hate how one of the ways we women bond is often to tear ourselves to pieces over how we look - so we don't look cocky, or so other women like us. It's screwed up.
But I have to make a point about larger women who criticise skinny ones. It does come from jealousy (and often a lot of pain). Even if, as in my case, weight gain is due to a long-term disabling illness, it feels really shameful.
As awful as it must feel to be bitched about for being too thin, thin women are the ideal for most men, most designers, most of society. They have a privilege in this sense that fat women do not. For the most part, fat women don't look great in their clothes and feel fabulous about their figures, so there's no "consolation".
Not that there's any justification for any of us judging or bitching about each other, least of all for how we look. We need to understand that we all have good points, and all have bad days, and try to support each other and get to know each other for who we actually are. Real women, every one.
ps: "deservess"?!
What bothers me so much about the way people comment about slim women is that we still seem to think that it's acceptable to comment in a negative way on someone else's body. It makes me so angry! It's why I hate celebrity gossip magazines like 'Hate' magazine - what gives them, or us, the right to pass remarks on someone else's body? And as much as it is dangerous and irresposible and rude to comment that someone needs to lose weight, it is just as damaging to congratulate someone for being thin - as if thin automatically equals healthy.
A friend of mine was at a wedding recently. She was a bridesmaid, and was disgusted by the way in which the wedding planner spoke to the bride - on the morning of the wedding her version of a compliment was "and you look SO THIN!" This is the opposite to the comments that Sian is objecting to, but it is coming from the same place, which is the belief that someone's size or weight or shape is something that is up for public comment. It shouldn't be.
Great post - my mum's a tiny size 6 who doesn't diet or exercise, she's just petite. She gets such nasty little comments, even from people I know adore her. They just don't realise the pain they cause when they comment on her size. It's such a shame... Weight is so complicated. We may think we've been liberated because curves have (apparently) been embraced, but sadly it's not even nearly true.
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