A while back, I decided that I needed to... speak up. To stand up in front of a room full of people and not feel nervous anymore. As much as I'm well, and back to being myself (and I really am), it's hard to accept that my depression knocked my confidence around people. Massively, if I'm being honest. The chatty person you see is sometimes putting on a huge act. Sometimes I have to force myself to talk to groups of people. I'm more standoffish with strangers than I used to be. I don't want that to be the case anymore. I hate it.
So, I thought I'd throw myself out of my comfort zone (the comfort zone being this massive fucking barrier that I'd started to hide behind). I stood on a stage at Ignite London and talked about science and smiling. It was fun! Really fun, actually. It was obvious just how nervous I was, but I did it and I was pleased. Public speaking really is one of those things that only gets easier the more you do it. Talking in an area that I wasn't comfortable in really pushed me. It certainly wasn't the best talk of the night (of course, that honour goes to Alby telling us all how stupid we are), but people enjoyed it and wanted to chat afterwards. My five minutes on stage sparked discussion which made me very happy indeed.
And then the biggy - last week I auditioned for London's largest non-professional theatre company, the Tower Theatre Company. It was a huge deal for me. I was terrified that I wouldn't have enough time to learn my audition speeches (turns out if you don't act for ten years, you forget how to remember Shakespeare) and I was scared that... well that I'd be shit. I was struggling right up until the last minute. And then I did it, and it felt completely natural. I didn't forget my lines, I didn't bumble through them. I performed them really well. I've been told not to expect lead roles immediately - my lack of experience in recent years means that I'm just not ready for that. But I'll audition for everything that comes up and hope that I'll have a line or three in the next show.
I was also invited onto Danny Steele's OnFm radio show this weekend, to round off my little performing binge. I chatted about the book, played games involving tea and got fed Krispy Kremes. It was really fun and didn't feel like I was live on air at all. I didn't swear and only let my competitive side show a little. (I won a copy of Santa Claus: The Movie, who wouldn't get competitive about that film of greatness?)
The thing is, when I do perform, I don't feel scared. I stop feeling nervous. More than that; I don't even remember what it is I was nervous about. When I was a shy little teenager, acting and standing on stage stopped me from hiding from people. Who knows, maybe that'll happen again in 2012. I'd really, really like that.
Flickr image from Comedy Nose's photostream.
3 comments:
When I had depression, I was 17 and doing my A Levels. I told all my teachers to give me a break, because I hated being around people so much I just wanted them to ignore me until I felt stronger. The one person who point blank refused? My drama teacher. He told me (quite harshly) to suck it up, or leave the class permanently. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, every day, sometimes until I broke down in tears in the middle of the lesson. But I got stronger so much faster. I got better. ...I also got an A in Drama.
Good for you, Siany. You fierce, brave thing, you. :)
Hoorah! Congratulations. And I read this nodding away. There are so many similarities between us here it's unreal. I also miss performing, it was something I found quite natural but somehow drifted away from Performing Arts to find a 'real job'. Maybe I might take your lead and look into again. I'll see where I end up next year.
Good luck with the auditions!
x
Thank you for commenting, ladies! It always surprises me that whenever I blog about stuff like this, people put their hands up and say 'me too'. I hate the idea that depression changed who I was for the worse, I'd like that fearless me back. The one who wasn't afraid to talk to strangers.
Post a Comment