Working with Depression

Earlier this week, a tweet from @badlydrawnroy hit Twitter:

Reading BadlyDrawnRoy's stream, it appears that he's been fired since telling his company that he has depression. 'Lack of activity' was cited in his formal notice letter. You can read his tweets to keep up with what's going on.

Now, Twitter loves a bandwagon and BadlyDrawnRoy is getting a huge amount of support via the social network. People are 'doing their bit for the cause'. But the Twitter Outrage makes me uneasy. Legal issues aside, the bigger problem behind the alleged firing is continued lack of understanding surrounding depression. Once BadlyDrawnRoy has an outcome to his situation, that will still be an issue.

Over a year ago, I blogged about having depression. In light of all the stuff happening this week, I thought I'd talk about what it's like to work with depression. Because I was threatened with the sack. More than once.

Illegal? Yes. Heartbreaking? Yes. Understandable? Actually... yeah.

As hard as I tried to contain my depression while I worked, I couldn't. It was impossible. I had a breakdown in my office. I'd been trying not to have a panic attack for two days. You can't hide depression from people that you spend eight hours a day with. You also shouldn't have to but the fear of losing your job and the fear of being judged by your peers means that you do whatever you can hide it. When things are at their very worst, when you're at your most scared that you're losing control of everything, the only thing that keeps you going is something normal. Something reliable. Unfortunately, the pressure to keep that secure is destructive in itself.

Often, there's also the issue of medication. The drugs I was on basically knocked me out cold. I can't do my job if I get in three hours late, completely off my face on antidepressants and walking around like a zombie. Depression isn't easy for other people to work around. It can't be likened to a broken leg. A broken leg will stop you from walking up the stairs to your office, it doesn't usually stop you from doing your job effectively. It doesn't usually mean that people you work with have to pick up your slack. It doesn't mean that your editor is left with shitty copy to edit because you can't do your job properly.

That's not your superior's job. It's yours.

This is when the ethics around a situation like this get hazy for me. I had days when my illness was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Just couldn't. There's no explanation for it. I've had days (many years ago) when I can't write more than three words but I'm an office being paid by the hour. At the very worst of my depression an editor I truly admire and respect stopped commissioning me because I wasn't doing what he paid me to do. Your benchmark changes when you have depression. Your own level of expectation changes. Sometimes I was just happy to have written a full 500 words.

When a client loses faith in your ability to do your job, you're costing them money and putting their own job in jeopardy. Employers have to make reasonable adjustments to those with a disability or mental illness. Someone with a mental illness can't be overlooked because of their disability and you're not allowed to show favouritism to another employee. But when an editor receives thirty pitches a week you can bet your ass he'll choose the freelancer who can get the best quality work to him on time. I don't think that's discrimination.

When you tell employers that you have depression, I've found that they react in one of two ways: they're supportive and wonderful, or they'll ask themselves how this is going to affect their job and the rest of their company. Both are pretty fair reactions, but the latter is the hardest to deal with. Depression is unpredictable. I couldn't determine when I was going to have a shitty day and not be able to work - no employer can cover that at short notice over a prolonged period of time. And if we're being honest, they don't want to.

When I was suffering, I was really stubborn about things. I went on medication, but I didn't seek counselling. I'm still not sure if I should have. I truly don't think I'd have got better any sooner, but it may have made things a little easier day to day. I honestly thought that if I could work, I'd be OK. My goal was often just going into work. People with depression become massively selfish. It totally consumes you. It never really occurred to me how my actions and my stubbornness were affecting the people around me.

The ignorance around depression is something that runs much deeper than employment law. It's a major issue with our society. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be reading this.

It has taken years for my friends to truly understand how bad things were and it's going to take a lot longer for that person on your team who doesn't like you all that much to understand why you've got every Wednesday afternoon off work and why you were late in this morning. The resentment that a team can feel towards a something like mental illness might feel discriminatory, but it's not. It's wanting to be sympathetic to a horrible situation but also realising that your own job is affected by it. Why wouldn't someone resent that?

Whatever the outcome of BadlyDrawnRoy's employment situation is, I hope he continues to get help for his depression. But I also hope that companies look at their own policies surrounding mental illness. I don't think it's enough to have a sick policy, the line is too blurry. I hope that more people talk about their mental health without being scared of the consequences and the judgement that all too often comes with being open about it. More than anything I hope that our society eventually becomes willing to accept and deal with mental illnesses. That's the bigger issue here.

Want more information on depression? I'm not a doctor, I can't give you any good drugs. Head over to Mind instead.