I know when I'm not working at my best.
This week, I've realised that I need to chill the fuck out and give myself a break.
When you work for yourself, you really only have yourself to rely on if things aren't going to plan. You can pass the buck as much as you want, but it comes back to you. I actually like this. It means that I'm in control of stuff and I can change it. I like tackling problems, I like making things work. I like learning how to do things better. That's part and parcel of running your own business.
But I still feel like a failure if things don't go according to plan.
For three days last week I was suffering from insomnia. No real reason I could fathom. I did my tax return and didn't have a meltdown, and everything is pretty OK. Better than OK, actually. But my wide-eyed little face stayed awake three nights in a row. And then I tried to work as normal throughout the week. It's safe to say that most of last week was a bit of a washout.
Yet it was more of a washout because I spend a lot of my time being mad at myself for not being on top form. I had stuff to be getting on with and I really wanted to give my to do list a sharp kick. Instead I had to chill out, read books and play catch up. I hate playing catch up. I spend the days in a constant state of anxiety. I rush. I don't do my best. I don't give myself the time to get back on track.
I just don't give myself time.
Next week is a big week for many reasons (if you're reading this on Monday morning, I'm currently giving a talk to a bunch of MsC students at Westminster and almost certainly worrying that I talk to fast). I've spent the day in a bit of a panic that things might not go as well as I want them to. It's all a bit silly, really. I know it's silly. Most of the things that I worry about are silly. A lot of the time, my worrying is really bloody ridiculous.
We put so much pressure on ourselves these days. We need to be the busiest, the best, the most hard-working. Work culture that means an entire office stays late just to be seen doing it, we have a strange competition over how many unread emails we have, there's often a race to be the first person to comment on an article even though you haven't read it all the way through and probably won't because we live in a world where the acronym TLDNR read exists. I'm calling bullshit on all of this.
I'm not the most efficient freelancer because I work four 18 hours days in a row. I'm not the best at my job because I work half of my Sunday. I'm not the best person for the job because I run myself into the ground. My work ethic isn't impressive because I carry on working despite being sick.
Maybe working harder perhaps just means working smarter. I think it also means prioritising. Freelancers always have work to do. Anyone who runs their own business knows that there's always more stuff to be done. But I'd rather do it slowly and well rather than make a massive shit heap of things in 24 hours. Some days are going to be busy. Some weeks are going to be manic. That doesn't need adding to. I don't need to make myself more busy, or work myself into an unproductive tizz. It's OK if I'm not being Productive All The Time.
I want to be proud of all of the things that I do. The writing, the events, the new thing you don't know about because I might not have even thought it up yet. That's my (on the quiet) resolution this year. To put more time and effort and more detail into everything. To care about what I do enough to do that and to only do the things that I care about. Sounds simple, right? I think it starts with caring enough about me to do it.
Whether it means I stop being so hard on myself and tell the judgy judgy voice in my head to fuck off, or even just walking away from my laptop for a little while, I need to start giving myself a break.
Flickr image from Jack Brodus' photostream.
